How Do I Know I’m In Love?

by
Is being in love a facade? These are the issues, read along.

I could see his forehead creasing again into a frown as I stepped out of the bathroom.

 “What is it this time?” I thought to myself, as I looked away to avoid being compelled to talk by his intimidating eyes. I moved on to sit at my dressing table and begin my ritual face cleansing for the night before going to bed, but I kept stealing glances at him, just to know what he was up to.

He had stopped gawking me and was back to work on his laptop. I heaved a sigh of relief subconsciously.

HOW DO I KNOW I’M IN LOVE WITH HIM?

“How did I get myself into this mess?” Is a question I’ve stopped asking myself.

 I wrapped up in about 15minutes and slipped into my nightwear. He was still wide awake working or pretending to be. I took my position on the bed and laid down with my fiancé.

Keeping a reasonable space, I laid with my back faced to him and adjusted the duvet to cover me properly.

           “Good night Victor” I said.

           “Good night” he mumbled.

I switched off my bedside lamp immediately. I could feel his steely gaze on me from behind, I knew he wasn’t working anymore as I didn’t hear the sound of his keypad clicks. I stilled my breath in the deafening silence and then…

           “Switch on the light Kemi, thanks”

I did as I was told immediately and mumbled a “sorry”. Soon I heard the ‘click click’ and I knew his focus was off me already.

I laid there with my eyes open, longing after someone else I couldn’t have.

His laptop dropped close, and I knew he was done for the night. I closed my eyes instantly to feign sleep, he leaned over to my side, ensuring I felt his hard-on, as he switched off my bedside lamp.

I didn’t realise I was holding my breath till he came off me, I sighed out in relief and that busted my act of sleep.

           “Kemi, if you have something on your mind, its better you say it than holding your breathes and stealing glances at me”

I exhaled yet another held breathe. I knew it better to keep silent than respond, as it would always end up in a big fight, in return making me feel like the ungrateful one, unfortunately, this time around was different, it had gone beyond my complaints and regular demands, I couldn’t even believe I was thinking about it, let alone saying it out.

           “So, I don’t deserve a reply?” he questioned.

           “I’m sorry, I just need to sleep, I wouldn’t want to bring up any fight this night please,” I said still back-faced to face him.

           “You haven’t even mentioned it and you’ve concluded it would be a fight, that is exactly why it would end up in a fight, why don’t you change your mindset to sorting through things instead of arguing and arguing”

           “Let’s just go to bed, good night,” I said, hoping that would dismiss him to keep quiet.

           “And talking to me with your back is a reasonable thing to do right?”

I sighed and turned to him before something escalated from that. I saw his sight trail down to my exposed cleavage. I almost spat out in disgust. Gosh! And this is someone I’m supposed to get married to?

           “Kemi,” he said softly, finally lifting his eyes to my face.

           “I don’t want us to fight every time, but you always cause these fights, you use to be submissive before but now you just suddenly grew heady” he paused and cupped my face in his hands as he moved closer.

At every touch of his on my skin, I felt more disgusted, but my facial expressions are trained never to betray my feelings, you never can tell what is going on through that sweet luscious face of Kemi. Finally, he placed his legs across mine. I knew this was what he wanted, but I just couldn’t go through it.

           “I changed because you changed Victor, you were not this possessive before now”

With an angelic puppy face I used to fall for, he replied “I don’t want to lose you, I don’t ever want to lose you, that’s why I make sacrifices to make you happy, don’t say I’m possessive, it sounds offensive”

           “But that’s what you are,” I said firmly, consciously taking his hand off my breast.

He paused “what is it? I can’t touch my own thing again?”

           “It is not your own thing, gosh! It is my body, you don’t own me, Victor, not even after marriage”

           “Where is this coming from” he removed his leg from my body with a frown on his face.

I was so glad he did that, I straightened up properly as I sat with my back resting against the bed wall.

           “Victor you act like you bought me over with all the things you do for me, It makes me feel less of who I am, you don’t give me breathing space to do anything on my own, I have to abide by what you say. I’m not working, because of you, I don’t have an apartment to myself, I don’t even have a ride in my name, I’ve lost all my friends, and worst of it, I have lost myself! All because of you”

I busted in anger, letting everything out.

He looked at me, almost shocked but not surprised, he was hurt and I was wondering why?

“Of everything you mentioned Kemi,” he said calmly.

“none!” he raised his voice higher, and that got me a little scared. “None I repeat is compared to my family, I lost my family, gave half of my life out, because of you!!! And what exactly are you complaining about? friends??? What have I not done for you Kemi?”

There we go again. I was tired of hearing countless talks and praises of everything he had done for me, does he ever consider what I have done for him as well? I was the stupid one, and I blame myself much. But first, I need to get some things straight with him.

           “Victor I never asked you to leave your family, not for me not for anything, you said it yourself that with me in the picture or not, you’ll still be divorced, why blame me? Do you think my parents are happy I’m getting married to a divorcee? do you think I don’t feel you will find another replacement for me as soon as we get married just like you did with your ex-wife? I don’t even have a life of my own? What exactly have you done for me? Given me your own life not even considering what I want, when last did you discuss on my career to be a communication strategist, when last did you even send a dime into my account except If I need it for something? I own nothing! Yet you keep saying you gave me everything! What have you given me? What!  Clothes? Shoes? Bags? In your thoughtful capability are those investment?????!”

I was losing it, but I didn’t care. A piece of my mind had to be said and buttressed. I didn’t expect his come-back despite his unexpected silence,

           “That’s what this is all about, demands, demands, demands, have you ever asked me for anything before and I never gave it to you? I’ve been trying to explain to you that I am just getting myself together after giving half of my wealth all because I wanted to stay with you. do you think money is so easy to come by?”

           “How would I know when I’m not allowed to work?” I hissed too dumbfounded to understand his response. Clearly, we were not on the same page, but he continued.

           “I can give you a job in one of my companies conveniently but you’ve refused, although your reasons are reasonable, what else do you want me to do?”

           “Just leave me alone and let me be. At least let me do something for myself” I said and looked away.

           “Are you breaking up with me?” he asked too suddenly.

I got stuck in a response. Was I breaking up with him? Could I break up with him? Was I ready to stand on my own?

           “Do you still love me?” he asked again.

Do I love him? Did I love him for the money or did I love him for real? I knew my heart beats not for him. Did my heart even beat at all for him compared to how my heart is beating now for a long time crush that has finally asked me out?

           “Kemi did you love me at all, or you were all for the money in the first place?” he continued to ask questions still I remained silent.

Looking at it now, I get irritated at his slightest touch. I don’t think I feel what I thought I had for this man, he is way older than me, and we had started our relationship when he was still married. I didn’t expect it to turn out into our marriage. It was supposed to be a contract relationship, but then he fell in love with me and proposed.

Yes, I told him I didn’t want to become a second wife, I didn’t realise he was going through a divorce process with the current one.

He finally became a single man and I found myself saying yes to his proposal.

Ever since I met Victor, my life had changed completely, there was nothing I lacked. All my vacation trips to exotic places internationally was solely sponsored by him, some from envied, some friends joined and I (meaning him) paid all-expense trip for them.

It was a hide and seek relationship at first, and people never understood where I was getting all the luxuries, I hid under the fact that I was working and getting, which I was until things began to get serious.

He started getting too possessive saying he didn’t want my male bosses and any other male to take advantage of a beautiful smart and young lady like me.

The promise of him getting me a better job with a way better pay in one of his friends’ company prompted me to tend a resignation letter quickly. I had been jobless ever since but I lacked nothing still. I moved into his apartment, renting my self-contain room out, he gave me one of his rides.

Gradually I couldn’t hang out with my friends anymore since they were single and would be introducing me to other single guys-according to him. I understood his point of view and cut out from hanging out with them, none of them knew I was dating such a matured man, I was stuck in my own life of living as a full housewife. His meeting with my parents was by force, it had caused too many fights and I was tired of fighting.

Truth is, I think I did love him because love made me do things just to please a man, things I had never thought I could do.

But then was my love fostered by the money and all showers of gifts and surprises, or was it true love for marriage.

 And did I mention I am now having feelings for someone I had always crushed on before we lost contact? I talk to him more than I talk with my current fiancé. We are both young and we connect.

But! There is the ‘but’, the issue, would I be satisfied with just our deep connection, if I decide to leave Victor? Not to say that I am so used to my expensive life, would he be able to foot the bills I never paid for myself for the past two years. I truly had no money or nothing to call my own, and I don’t want to keep pretending all in the name of money.

How do I know if i’m in love? If I did love Victor, has my love turned sour?

           “Answer me Kemi!!” he shouted.

How would you reply?

1 Response
  • Abisola
    May 14, 2020

    Insightful and interesting!

What do you think?

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

WORD OF THE DAY

Reprobate: /ˈrɛprəbeɪt/

-an unprincipled person.